An Introduction: Why I just can't be quiet anymore

Why hello there. If you are reading this, you're probably surfing around this website, or however random blogs are discovered, and are looking for something interesting. Well, I made this blog simply because I am an English major at the University of Florida, and I feel that I'm just too distraught with "growing up" to do so silently.

You see, to make a long story short, which I may elaborate on later someday, my father died when I was very young, and my single mom has been overworked nastily ever since I can remember. As such, a certain attitude was born in me. I have no belief in God, so this is, to me, my only life, and knowing my father's sad history, and the way that he died without being able to be there for me as I grew up, I am obsessed with the idea of trying to live a life I can be satisfied with, with someone I love, etc. This is probably my only desire, honestly, is to live happily with a wife and kids that I can be with so we can all grow and live and love together. That's it. All of it.

Whereas my father's death birthed in me this long term dream, my mother's life has birthed in me a long term fear. She works as some sort of marketing executive, unofficially working weekends and handling the jobs of many of those under her, since she feels that they can't do their own. Since I can remember, I have barely been able to see her, or really connect with her, and therefore feel rather alienated. This is the fear that combats my dream, that the need of society for me to exist as some sort of horrible cog will prevent me from seeing my wife and my children, and essentially repeat the cycle of fatherlessness that I had to endure.

and the alternative looks like this...

So essentially, I feel that my life here at the U of F is a prelude to such a future, which thus deteriorates my motivation, as the rotting of some once shining beast. It's because I think too much and because I want to love too much in this life. I believe now, based on my assessments of the fears of others, that this society is just not good for us anymore, and that, potentially, we can become "fully realized human beings," as I would like to call them and will explain, who may be able to make this world the place that so many fight for. This blog is for me to just put down my damn thoughts for once, to preach to the digital ether, and hope perhaps that one day it may be filled with empathetic faces.